I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
