my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
