At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
