if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
