Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
