I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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