Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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