A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
