I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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