my phone needs a breathalizer
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
