My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
accomplished twins. life is a go
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
