I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
