im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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