i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
