In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
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