woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
