The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Drake has all the answers
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
