There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
