I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
