Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
