I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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