im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
