Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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