I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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