I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
