I just saw a hot homeless man
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
