Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
