do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
