My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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