I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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