Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
