The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
