Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize