My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
