Your tits are I can't wait for
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
