dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
