when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
