Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
