Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
