you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
