I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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