Don't make out with my wife yet
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
