just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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