My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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