Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
