I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
