dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
