She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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