officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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