We're like a lot better than the average bears
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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