Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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