Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
