You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
