Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
