When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
