I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm experimenting with sincerity
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
