i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
